You remember ol’ Joe, don’t you. In the era of black and white TV, he was the never-failing sleuth in the TV show Dragnet who, when interviewing a witness or suspect, would utter, “Just the facts, ma’am. Just the facts.”
Don’t you wish Detective Friday could interview Donald Trump? Not only did Friday always get to the heart of the case, but he could smell lies like rotten carcasses.
Imagine what that would look like as he queried Trump. Friday does his research, and he usually discovers things that just don’t add up. He begins to take a deeper dive. He examines what he knows to be true to date before jumping into a full-blown interrogation.
For example, Trump claims he was the best president ever and that Joe Biden is the worst. No verification needed. He said it, ergo, it must be true. Or at least that’s what his minions believe. But, as Friday uncovered, according to the American Political Science Association (men and women who have made studying, teaching and researching politics their careers) Biden ranked 14th of 45. So, who is 45? Ah, hem. Er, Mr. Trump that would be you.
Well, that might just be ego, Friday rationales. Frankly, who doesn’t envision him or herself at the top of a number of lists. Why not go for “Best President Ever?” No real harm there, Friday thinks. It doesn’t really hurt the American people. If anything, it makes the former president seem rather buffoonish and out of touch.
Moving on, Friday digs into the claim that Trump created more jobs than any president in history. Friday consults the Federal Reserve Bank that tracks stuff like that. Not quite true. As a matter of fact, if one compares Trump just to recent presidents, Friday learns Trump’s 182,000 per month average pales compared to Bill Clinton’s 244,000 and Biden’s 277,000.
Friday continues to dig into “The Case of the Lying Former President.”
The candidate also says he gave Americans the largest tax cut in history. Again, Detective Joe discovers that is not true.
Friday wonders when he should begin moving some of these findings from perhaps figments of the candidate’s imagination to full blown lies. He learns from the Congressional Budget Office that Trump’s tax cuts actually rank eighth over the last century. Obama and Truman were the most prolific in that arena with cuts of 1.8 and 1.3 percent (Obama) and 2.7 and 1.9 percent (Truman). As matter of fact, five of the eight largest tax cuts in the past century were under the guidance of Democratic presidents. Oh, Trump’s cuts? A whopping 0.6% overall, mostly to the top 5% wage earners.
Joe, research done, is ready to get “just the facts?” He arranges an interview with Trump.
“Say, that sure is a great head of hair you got there,” says Friday as he begins to interrogate the self-proclaimed Savior of the people. “My Aunt Elsie used something similar. Tried tricking some of her suitors into thinking she was younger than she was. I was amazed at how that worked sometimes. Now, a few questions, if you have a moment.”
“Well, I’m really busy preparing for my next campaign speech … but what network did you say you worked for?” asked the candidate.
“I didn’t,” said Joe. “I want to ask you next about the annual budget deficit and national debt. You claim that your tax cuts created an economy unlike America has ever seen. Do you mean in a good sense, or are you admitting that the federal deficit grew faster annually under you than any other time in history? I believe the number was 47%. Isn’t that correct? And the national debt went from 20 trillion dollars to 28 trillion. Whew, that’s quite a record!”
“I’m not good with numbers, but that’s a lie. The Deep State throws numbers like that out all the time to try to get me off my game.”
“Well, actually those facts come from the Federal Reserve Bank, but since you brought it up, what game is it that you like to play, Mr. Trump?’
“It’s all a game, you know. Everything. They move a pawn. I move a knight. They move a knight. I move a queen. They move their queen, and I move my king. Checkmate. I much prefer golf.”
“Interesting analogy, sir,” but can we get back to the questioning.
“Ah, yes. Certainly. What publication did you say this was for again?”
“I didn’t. What about tariffs? You say that tariffs forced other countries to pay up. But didn’t those countries actually counter with similar tariffs resulting in pretty much a draw?”
“No, no, no. We won big with my tariffs when I ruled. Who’s telling you that bullshit?”
“That came from the Bureau of Labor and Statistics. They’re kinda my go to, ya know. The gold standard of facts and non-partisan information.”
“Never heard of them.”
“Interesting. Somehow, I believe that.”
“Good. Good. I knew you’d find me believable if you just listened to me long enough.”
“What about the farmers?” asked Friday.
“What about them? The farmers, they love me. Everyone loves me. I do so much good for them.”
“Interesting. A few of them told me that your tariffs actually made things worse for them. Nearly 20% of them had to declare bankruptcy. How do you explain that?”
“Well, they were probably bad farmers. You know there are bad people everywhere. Incompetent and sometimes criminals. Now, I’m not saying that farmers are criminals, but they often hire them. You know, those illegal immigrants. They’re running literally wild once they escape into America. Killing, raping, stealing. You can’t imagine what they’ve done to the crime rate.”
“Since you brought it up, let’s do a deeper dive there if you will, sir.” said Friday. “The data that I have shows a decrease in the crime rate to the lowest point in four decades and considerably lower than when you were in office. And immigrant crime is 37% less than crimes done by naturally born citizens. I ask myself, ‘why is that?’ and it dawns on me that because most of those coming here are seeking a better way of life, they would be crazy to put themselves in jeopardy of being sent back to live the hell they’ve escaped from? That kinda makes sense, doesn’t it, sir?”
“Nothing makes sense anymore. Take inflation for example. People can’t understand why inflation is at its highest rate ever. I mean, they can’t even afford to go to McDonald’s anymore. Now, there’s a good hamburger!”
“Let’s just stick to the facts, sir,” repeated Friday. “What do you think was the biggest reason for inflation.”
“Joe Biden. What else? He’s given money out like a drunken sailor to people to help them out. I mean, can’t these people help themselves. And he’s giving a lot of it to all those diversity groups - the immigrants, the Blacks. Oops. Strike that last remark. It’s off the record.”
“Economists that I question are telling me, sir, that the cataclysmic disruption of the supply chain during Covid was the primary cause of inflation. Weren’t you in the middle of that?”
“Unfortunately, yes. That came out of nowhere. Well, actually it came out of China. You know they just wanted to get back at me for all those tariffs.”
“Do you think you could have handled that situation better?” asked Friday.
“No, no, no. I handled it perfectly. It was perfect. It was beautiful the way I handled it.”
“Including your aversion to masks and vaccinations?”
“We totally over-reacted. I mean, we never got serious about injecting that special whatever-it-was dye or horse serum. I thought those had real promise.”
“Your medical experts didn’t,” said Friday. “Why did you persist, fight them?”
“I didn’t fight them. What did you say your name was again?
“Friday. Detective Joe Friday.”
“Joe … that’s funny. That’s the name of the guy who cheated and stole the last election from me. Now there’s someone you ought to go question. Anyway, Joe, I fought them because they were slowing us down, slowing the country down, slowing our economy down. We had to get back to normal or we were going to die.”
“Sir, no offense, but more than 1.2 million Americans did die. Many felt it should have been less.”
“Nonsense. I handled covid perfectly. It was beautiful the way I handled covid.
“Do you have time for a few more questions.?
“Sure, anything you need, Detective Friday.”
“Some question how you deal with international countries.”
“Who? Who says that? What type of questions?”
“There’s this perception … I’m not saying it’s fact, sir … and you know I just deal with the facts. But when I have to question other leaders around the world and ask them if they can rely on the US, I get funny responses.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, to be candid … and I’m just saying this is what I’m hearing … it may not be fact … and I just deal in facts, you know … but some of them say you can’t be trusted … that the only thing that matters to you is you. They sometimes hint that there’s a me first, America first feeling coming from you and that your international friends aren’t important and don’t matter.”
“Friends. I love friends. I have millions of friends. My friends love me. Christians are my friends. But I do need my friends to step up. I mean we can’t continue to throw money at countries like Ukraine and shoulder that entire load. “
“I get that. Fair is fair, sir. But those countries remind me that with regard to Ukraine, they are pretty much sharing that fight equally and recently, probably more than the US. You know some of your ‘friends’ here in America haven’t particularly warmed up to helping out the guy who needs help over there.”
“Well, he’s not all that warm and fuzzy a guy. I mean, he didn’t step up to help me with the Biden boy when all we needed was a little dirt, er information, to give us an upper hand.”
“An upper hand for what, sir?”
“To keep America in our hands. I mean, it’s a damn shame what this guy who is running the country right now – who shouldn’t really be there – has done to America. A damn shame.”
“One final question, sir.”
“Shoot. No. Pretend I didn’t say that. I’m a little gun shy after you know what.”
“Gun shy? You?”
“I know. Don’t tell Pierre.”
“One final question?”
“Go ahead. Then I have to get my hair done before my speech tonight.”
“Did you really believe that you won the last election to the point of wanting to overthrow America’s government?”
“Well, of course, I won. Why wouldn’t I? I mean, why wouldn’t the American people return the greatest president in history to his rightful place? And those tourists only came to support me. It’s that simple. I’m so glad we have some Americans who are willing to do what’s necessary to make America great again.”
“Interesting,” said Friday.
“So, remind me again why we’re talking,” said the candidate.
“Facts, sir. I’m just trying to get the facts.”
“Did you get what you needed?”
“I’m afraid so,” said Friday as he walked away, realizing he had uncovered a rotting carcass.